Friday, October 16, 2009

simple happiness. complicated world.

its hard to find. i'm not going to lie.

recently, its been hard to find my place at college. it seems that everyone was making friends and finding their place much quicker and easier than i was. this wasn't helped by my painful silence around new people, i really just never know what to say. and, sometimes, i just prefer to listen. i don't know. a lot of the time i've been feeling misplaced, like the rebecca-shaped hole of the universe and warped after graduation, and i didn't quite fit anywhere anymore.

maybe i was just expecting the wrong things. culture seems to say that as soon as you get to college, everything works out. you find your life-long best friends, a boyfriend, discover what you want to be, all like its magic. its a let down to find that that was far from true. and its been getting me down. there have been three semi-formals, and i haven't gotten invited to one. my high school friends have moved on without me. everyone else on my hall has bonded much more. it seriously had me considering whether or not i was ready for college, whether i could survive this.

but lately i've been trying to to appreciate small happy moments in this complicated world of trying to figure out who i am and just what that means. sushi with my hallmates. sloshing through fallen leaves. car songs. midnight showings of where the wild things are. endless milkshake runs to cookout. i love these nights. they make me forget my social inadequacies. its hard to forget my lack of ability to find a guy or good friend sometimes, but im still just trying to figure out who i am in this school:

rebecca worrell.
likes art, music, and saving the world.
and im not quite sure what that means yet.

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